I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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