Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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