don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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