I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
