Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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