I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
