i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
