Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
