we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize