Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
