whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
