I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
