3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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