a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
