when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
