She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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