I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
