just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
