The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I am naked and annoyed.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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