i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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