nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
no, he came in my armpit
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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