So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
