If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
