remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
