i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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