She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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