my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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