he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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