# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
