He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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