I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
