just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
