I skipped work to stalk him.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
