My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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