I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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