the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
