So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My vagina is officially offended.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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