She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
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