onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
