The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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