i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
