i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
