upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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