Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
