you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
