just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
