I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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