You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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