Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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