I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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